


the hardest part of this

by orphan_account



Category: Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance
Genre: Divorce, F/M, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Moving On, Single Parents, but it gets happier I promise, like really sad, like when I started writing the first few parts I had to stop because it was really sad, this is sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-21
Updated: 2016-06-21
Packaged: 2018-07-16 11:43:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7266802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Patrick lost Elisa.</p>
<p>Gerard and Lindsey divorced.</p>
<p>Misery tends to find itself, but it gets a little complicated when other things come into play.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the hardest part of this

one

 

The dragonfly had landed inside of Patrick’s car. It was still alive, slowly crawling around on top of his dashboard when he got outside that morning to go into the studio. He didn’t really feel up to it, but he knew that if he didn’t go in now he wasn’t ever going to. He was about to shut the door and drive off when he noticed it sitting there. It just stared at him, as if it was surprised by him being there. Looking at it, Patrick remembered something someone had said to him at her funeral.

_“You know, it’s said that dragonflies are the ones we’ve lost coming back to us.”_ He wondered if this was Elisa coming back to him. It was kind of an important day--first day back to the band. Was it her telling him to go? The staring contest between him and the dragonfly kept going for a good minute and a half before he decided to say what he’d been wanting to. 

“I miss you. I really do.”

The dragonfly flew out his still-open door.

============

The papers were signed. It was final. They all left the room together, but before Gerard could leave, someone tugged on his sleeve, he turned to see Lindsey standing there. He was puzzled by what she had to say--wouldn’t she have already said it? Weren’t they just not going to really talk until she dropped Bandit off next week?

“I just wanted to say before you go, even if we’re not married, you’re still my best friend. I meant what I said backstage at Projekt Revolution,” she said. He nodded.

“I’m still here for you too.” She nodded.

“Can I--?” She didn’t finish. She didn’t have to. He nodded and she wrapped her arms around him. He hugged her back. “I’m sorry we didn’t work.”

“I’m sorry we didn’t either.” He let her go. “I’ll see you Saturday?”

“Yup, Saturday.” She left. Gerard watched her go before leaving himself.

He got home and dropped his keys on the table, checking his phone. There were emails and a few missed calls, but he wasn’t going to look at those now. They were probably about how he and Lindsey were separated--not divorced, they hadn’t officially announced that yet. He wasn’t interested in dealing with that right then. But the thing that caught his eye was a text from Patrick Stump.

He and Patrick had always been pretty okay friends, but they hadn’t really started talking this much until recently after Elisa, Patrick’s wife, had died. He’d gone to the funeral and all that, but since he wasn’t really making anything at the time--he was sort of but not really working on new music and was sort of but not really working on comics but pretty much just full time dad/full time divorce figuring things out, he’d told Patrick that if he ever wanted to talk or anything that he was there for him. And Patrick had really taken that. Gerard was grateful--it took his mind off of divorce and how shitty his life was really going to help distract Patrick from how shitty his life was really going. There was this mutual understanding of feeling shitty between the two of them.

He opened Patrick’s text and read it.

**Patrick:** hey how’d it go?

**Gerard:** signed, sealed, done and over with

Patrick responded almost immediately.

**Patrick:** good

**Patrick:** still feel like shit?

**Gerard:** oh absolutely

**Patrick:** wanna come over?

Gerard thought for a minute, but he pretty much knew what he was gonna say.

**Gerard:** yes

============

“Hey,” Gerard said when he stepped into Patrick’s house. Patrick was sitting at the kitchen table, staring at his laptop with one earbud hanging out, Declan sitting across from him shoving fistfulls of Cheerios into his mouth. Patrick looked over at him and smiled a little, pausing whatever he was doing and ripping the other earbud out.

“Hi,” he said, standing up and hugging Gerard. It did make Gerard feel a little better. When Patrick released him, he went over and said hello to Declan and messed with his hair a little, making the baby laugh. Patrick was back to messing with the thing on his laptop.

“Whatcha doing?” He leaned against the counter behind Patrick, trying to understand the mess of windows open on the laptop. Patrick shrugged.

“Nothing. Well, nothing good anyways. I was trying out some stuff the other day but I’m listening to it now and it’s not really worth anything.” Gerard nodded. Patrick shut his laptop and turned around so he was sitting backwards in the chair and facing Gerard.

“How was the studio?”

“Better than I expected, not as well as I hoped it would be. At least I wasn’t there all day, I pulled an Andy Hurley and laid my stuff in three hours then left.”

“I’m impressed. I figured that you going in would make you be super involved in it again.” Patrick laughed a little.

“Oh no, I’m still super involved. Just, I didn’t want to be there, not today.”

“Then why did you go?”

“I knew that if I didn’t, I wouldn’t ever and that’d be the end of Fall Out Boy forever, and I’m not really ready for that.”

“At least you did it, yeah?”

“Yeah.” Patrick nodded when Declan threw some of his Cheerios onto the table. Patrick sighed and stood up, taking the baby out of his highchair. “Alright, mister, if you’re gonna throw ‘em at me then you’re done.” He shifted the baby into one arm and started to pick the Cheerios up off the table and toss them, making Declan whine a little in discontent. Gerard watched all this feeling a little awkward, though he got to see Patrick in a way he really hadn’t before. “So how do you want to pretend that this isn’t the shittiest day of your life?” He thought for a moment before responding.

“Which would you rather--bad scifi movie or bad horror movie?” Patrick’s eyebrows lowered a bit.

“I honestly can’t remember the last time I watched a bad horror movie.” Gerard stared at him wide eyed.

“Oh man, the last time I watched a bad horror movie was Thursday.” Patrick laughed and shook his head.

“See, I just don’t have the patience for bad movies. All the completely and totally terrible effects and stuff make me borderline mad.”

“But that’s the fun part! I love pointing out all the cheesy stuff. I promise you, I can make a bad horror movie good.”

“Alright, prove it. I’m gonna put this one down to sleep because he’s getting fussy and he’s been up for a while. If you can find a bad horror movie, I’ll watch it.”

“Challenge accepted.”

============

Patrick sighed and looked down at Declan, who was almost out again. He’d watched the movie with Gerard--and he admitted, Gerard did make a bad horror movie good--but he just didn’t have the heart. Actually, Gerard was still there, but he had to go check on Declan when the baby monitor went off. He felt kind of bad just leaving Gerard out there by himself, but he knew he got it. He reached down into the crib and softly started to rub Declan’s belly with the back of his finger. He wished Elisa were here. He knew it was a foolish thing to wish for, but he did so anyways. He kept wondering about what she would do or say if she were, and he started to feel his eyes well up with tears. It had been almost six months and he was still doing this. He even was out of Chicago and he was still doing this. He just wanted to curl up into a ball and never move again, but he knew that wasn’t possible. The first one slid down his face and he pulled his hand back out of the crib to wipe it off with the back of his hand, but more kept falling. He buried his face in his hands, trying to stop but he couldn’t. He felt a hand between his shoulder blades and he looked up to see Gerard standing next to him, as if he knew something was wrong and came to find him. Patrick wiped the tears off his face before saying anything.

“I’m sorry, this was supposed to be about making you not feel like shit, not me,” he said quietly as Gerard pulled him into a hug.

“Doesn’t matter, you’ve got far worse problems than I do.” He let go of him. “Do you want to talk about it?” Patrick vaguely nodded, looking over at Declan, who appeared to be sleeping.

“Out there maybe?”

“Yeah, okay.” They walked back out and sat back down on the couch. Neither of them said anything for five minutes.

“I feel like I’m doing this all _wrong_.” He looked over at Gerard, who was giving him a confused look. “I mean, as cliche as it is to say this, but I feel so lost without her, you know? Like, when I was back in Chicago, it felt wrong. Then I came out here for recording, and it still felt wrong. Then whenever we’re done and I go home for a little before we have to start touring again, it’ll feel wrong. She just left me here with all the parts in the wrong places and I’m all discombobulated. I feel like I’m doing this _wrong_.” Gerard absentmindedly rubbed his back.

“It’s always gonna hurt, it’s always gonna feel wrong. She was ripped away from you before she should have been. The two of you deserved a lifetime.”

“We _had_ a lifetime. Just a very short one. One I didn’t appreciate the way I should have.” He could feel his eyes burn in a way that warned him that he was going to cry again.

“Hey, you didn’t know. And you drank in every minute of that lifetime. If you hadn’t, you wouldn’t feel like this now.” Patrick nodded. “It won’t hurt so much, just gotta wait it out.”

“Thanks Gerard.”

 

two

 

“I have a great plan to lock myself in a studio until I can write a fucking song,” Patrick said. Gerard shifted the phone against his ear.

“It’ll be shit.”

“Yeah but it’ll be something.” He sighed in response.

“Don’t shoot for something, shoot for good man. The only way to actually make things.”

“At this point, I’m desperate enough that it doesn’t matter. I’m not contributing to shit on this album and I feel bad.”

“It’s an inopportune time for you.” There was a brief moment of silence as if Patrick was considering that.

“But then again, it’s a really opportune time.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m gonna fucking lock myself in a studio until I can write a fucking song, that’s what I mean. It’s actually a better idea than thought.” Gerard froze.

“Um, no, no it’s not, please don’t.”

“But this is a high-emotional time, right? Good material can come out of that.”

“I’ll sell you out to Pete.”

“You wouldn’t.”

“I would.”

“Gerard Way, you’re a meanie.” He laughed.

“That’s the best you’ve got?” There was a brief silence.

“Yeah, actually it is.”

“Let me come with you at least.”

“Why are you so paranoid about me being in a studio on my own? I’m a 31 year old man.” Why was he so paranoid about Patrick being in a studio? There was some sort of weird feeling that had built up in his chest when Patrick said he was actually gonna do it. What the hell did that mean? “Gerard?”

“I don’t know. Can I go with you anyways?”

“I mean, me songwriting isn’t something thrilling.”

“I might be able to help you. Remember, I’m a songwriter too.”

“Hm, I guess so. If I like it and the rest of the band likes it, it might end up on the album. And I’ll give you credit.”

“No need.”

“Need. I’m gonna leave in like thirty minutes if you wanna meet me there?” He gave Gerard the address.

“Yeah, sure.”

 

three

 

“He shows his face, it is a miracle,” Pete teased when Patrick entered the studio. He debated about smacking Pete in the face but decided it would be better if he didn’t. He shook his head and dropped his bag on the floor by the wall.

“So, what the hell was that incoherent text you sent me this morning?” Pete gave him a confused look before realizing.

“Oh, that was supposed to be saying we’re gonna track Sample live today.”

“That was far from what you sent me, but okay.” Patrick wasn’t sure what had prompted the decision to track it live. They hadn’t done that in years on an album. They did it on one song for Pax AM, but the last time an album had that was probably Infinity. It’d been a while.

They were ready to go in about fifteen minutes. It took a good amount of time. It was the song that Patrick ended up writing with Gerard the day he decided to lock himself in the studio. It was a better song that he’d expected to write that night, and the rest of the guys liked it immensely. He definitely felt like tracking it live was the best option. When they all walked out of the booth, Joe bumped his shoulder against his.

“Hey,” Joe half whispered.

“Hi, what’s up?”

“I’ve hardly talked to you lately, you okay?” Patrick nodded.

“Yeah. I’m still kinda processing all this.” He gestured vaguely.

“Just don’t tell me that when you go home you do nothing and stare at the ceiling.”

“No, no, it’s not that bad. I’ve actually been, like, socializing.” Joe nodded.

“Good.”

They did backing vocals as well and Patrick was released to the world early again. He wasn’t really sure what to do, so he went to Pete and Meagan’s and picked up Declan (Meagan was a saint for watching him while they were recording). When they got home, Declan pouted at him when he pulled the baby out of the car.

“Yeah, you and me both, kid,” Patrick sighed. He just made it inside when his phone rang. He dug it out of his pocket, not bothering to look at who it was, and put it on speaker, hoping to multitask.

“Hello?”

“Hey ‘Rick,” Pete’s voice answered him.

“Okay, Pete, I was literally in the studio with you for five hours and you have to call me fifteen minutes after?” Patrick wasn’t being serious, and Pete quietly laughing on the other end told him that he could tell.

“I was distracted. Look, um, we haven’t really had a chance to talk in a bit, how are you?” Patrick resisted the urge to roll his eyes, even though Pete couldn’t see it.

“I’m fine, I guess.”

“ _Patrick_.” There was a tone in Pete’s voice that he’d hoped to avoid.

“Okay, okay! I’m not all that great, but I’m functional.” There was a sigh on the other end, then a mumbled ‘oh fuck you learn to drive’. “Do not tell me you’re driving while you’re trying to have this conversation with me.”

“Don’t change the subject!” Patrick smiled and shook his head. Only Pete. “Do you wanna talk about it?” Patrick sighed.

“I mean, what’s there to talk about? My wife is fucking dead and I’m still trying to get over it. There. That’s it. Done.” That came out way harsher than he’d meant it to. Pete was silent on the other end. He felt bad for saying it, and he felt bad for swearing in front of Declan, who was still in his car seat. He unbuckled the child and picked him up. Pete still hadn’t hung up on him. “I’m sorry, that was uncalled for.”

“No no, don’t apologize, you have a right to say things like that.”

“Doesn’t mean I should.” Declan tried to grab Patrick’s glasses. It made him laugh a little bit. “Kid, what are you doing?”

“What?” Pete said through the phone.

“Nothing, Declan’s trying to steal my glasses.”

“Good, just like I taught him.”

“Pete, stop being a bad influence on my son,” Patrick teased his friend. He couldn’t see it but he knew Pete was rolling his eyes.

“Look, you sure you’re okay enough?”

“Yeah, yeah I’m okay enough.” There was a brief silence.

“Are you...are you holding things back? Like is there a bunch of shit pent-up in your head?”

“Sort of. I mean, I’m not _not_ keeping it in, but I guess I’m not saying or doing everything I could. Gerard has been--”

“Wait, Gerard as in Gerard Way?” Pete cut him off with the question.

“Yeah?”

“When did you start talking to Gerard Way?”

“Dude, we’ve been friends for a while now. You were there for that. Warped Tour like eleven years ago or something like that? Besides, my life’s kinda shitty, his life’s kinda shitty, so it makes sense.”

“Yeah, isn’t he getting divorced?”

“Just did not too long ago.”

“That sucks. He and Lindsey seemed so happy together.”

“Yeah they did. Then again, so did you and Ashlee.”

“Yeah. These things just happen.”

“Yeah.”

“So Gerard Way, huh?”

“You make it sound like we’re a thing.”

“You don’t sound too upset by that.” Patrick glared at the phone and said nothing.

“Do not--”

“You like him!”

“It’s not like that!”

“Then what’s it like?”

“Okay, first off, Elisa, and second off, I don’t know if it’s actually a crush or whatever you want to call it.”

“Okay, I’ll give you Elisa, but I don’t get the second part.”

“Like, I think about him differently than I think about any of my friends, but I don’t think about him the way I ever thought about anyone I’ve been attracted to before. It’s this weird thing.” Pete made a small ‘oh’ sound. “He helped me write Sample.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I told him we’d give him credits if it makes it on the album. He tried to refuse but I told him that it wasn’t his choice.”

“Yeah, he deserves credits if he wrote that with you.” There was another tone in Pete’s voice that Patrick had hoped to avoid. Only this one sounded like it was being paired with a smirk. “Look, um, I have to go, but I’ll see you Thursday, right?”

“Yeah, I’ll be in.”

“Kay, see you then.”

“Bye.” Patrick hung up the phone. Pete was still kind of an asshole.

============

Gerard stepped out of his car and walked up to the door. It was still a weird feeling because this used to be his house too, but now it was just Lindsey’s. When he knocked, she opened it.

“Hi!” She was wearing a Joy Division shirt. Gerard remembered buying that for her.

“Hey, she ready?”

“Not yet, come on in though.” She stepped back. He walked through the door and it felt weirder than driving here. Nothing had changed since the last time he’d been in here nine months ago. Even their wedding picture still hung on the wall. He walked over to it. The two of them had been so...happy. And they were for such a long time. But then they just...weren’t.

“You left this up?” He turned around to look at Lindsey, who was leaning against the wall.

“Yeah. I didn’t see the point of taking it down--I don’t want to erase you.” Sometimes he wondered when she said those things if she still wanted to be married, even though she was the one who asked for the papers. Sometimes he wondered what he would do if she asked. He looked at her, and at one point he would have felt his bones melt. Then it just became an internal smile. Now it was nothing, or nothing more than one would feel when they see a friend. It wasn’t what it used to be. His eyes flicked back to the picture from backstage at Projekt Revolution. His mouth opened and he was about to say something, but Bandit came bounding down the stairs.

“Daddy!” Gerard smiled down at his daughter.

“Hey sweetie, all ready?”

“Yup.”

“Okay, go give Mommy a goodbye hug.” Bandit did so.

“Bye sweetie, I’ll see you soon,” Lindsey said, releasing the girl. She waved at Gerard. “Next week?”

“Yup.”

 

four

 

Gerard felt his phone buzzing against his leg. He set his pen down and pulled it out of his pocket. Patrick’s name flashed across the screen. He answered, curious as to what Patrick wanted.

“Hello.”

“Hey,” Patrick responded in his normal, cheerful tone.

“What’s up?”

“I have a favor to ask of you.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. You can say no, but if you agree I’ll owe you one.” Gerard raised an eyebrow. This was gonna be interesting.

“Okay, what is it?”

“Pete asked me to come do this thing with him and Meagan and I don’t want to third wheel, you know? So, um, would you want to come with us?” Yeah. Definitely interesting.

“Sure, when?”

“Um, Wednesday?”

“I’ll see if Lindsey will take Bandit for a few hours.”

“Great! Thank you for doing this.”

“No problem man, it’s not like I’m doing anything else. And I enjoy spending time with you.” _Shit_ , Gerard thought. _Try not to make the fact that you like him so fucking obvious_.

“Yeah. See you then?”

“Yup. Bye.”

“Bye.” He hung up the phone and picked his pen back up, going back to his sketches. There was a blush crawling across his face that he really hoped would go away.

 

five

 

“That was not as bad as I’d thought it would be,” Patrick said after the thing with Pete. He was driving Gerard home. It still wasn’t amazing because Pete being Pete had to say _something_ to Patrick about Gerard. It’d been a month and a half since they’d had that conversation and Pete was determined to get Patrick to make a move. He wasn’t even sure if he wanted to make a move. Okay, that was a lie, he really wanted to make a move, but he was still hesitant. And Pete’s badgering wasn’t helping him any.

“Yeah, it’s was actually pretty fun.”

“Yeah.” They sat in silence for a few, the only thing making noise was the radio. Some song Patrick didn’t know came on, and he could hear Gerard sigh.

“Can I flip the station? This song drives me nuts.” Patrick shrugged.

“Sure, I don’t really care.” Gerard reached over and started flipping through stations and one of the local alternative ones that he’d stopped on was playing I’m Not Okay. He started laughing.

“Oh god, I forgot that people still play this.” Patrick found himself smiling. “This song is so embarrassing to listen to now.”

“Why?” He asked. My Chemical Romance had to play this song for nine years, how was it embarrassing?

“I remember I tried to fight to get it off of Revenge.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I thought ‘no one’s gonna want this song, it’s not gonna fit with the rest of the album’ but Ray and Frank practically begged me to leave it. So I did.”

“And it became one of your biggest hits.”

“Yeah pretty much. I was an idiot.”

“I tried to fight Dance, Dance off of Cork Tree. I tried to fight My Songs off of Save Rock And Roll. I’m the worst at deciding what we put on.”  
“They stopped trusting me to nominate things off.”

“Oh, if I think it’s shit, they know it should be on there.” It’d hit the really quiet part of the song when they lapsed into silence again. Then Gerard started screaming. The one on the radio and the one in the car. Patrick laughed harder than he had in awhile, because not only was Gerard singing along to sound like he did in 2004, he was mocking it with his body language and it was overall one of the funniest things Patrick had witnessed. The song ended and Patrick tried to clap with one hand and failed, but Gerard got the point.

“Thank you, thank you,” he said, fake bowing. Patrick stopped the car in front of Gerard’s apartment building. “Thanks for the afternoon, it was fun.”

“Thanks for coming.”

“Anytime.” And Patrick didn’t know what made him decide to do it now, but he unbuckled his seatbelt, leaned over, grabbed Gerard’s forearm, stopping him from opening the door, and kissed him. The more surprising part was that he didn’t pull away or freeze up-- _he kissed Patrick back_. When the broke apart, Patrick took his hand back and put his head down, entire face hot and most likely redder than a tomato in August.

“I’m sorry, that was, um, I,” he stuttered. He looked back up at Gerard, who was smiling at him.

“Don’t apologize, I liked that, if you couldn’t tell.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I wouldn’t mind doing that again.”

“Okay.” Patrick leaned back over and kissed him again. Gerard grabbed onto the edge of his jacket, kissing him back. Gerard’s tongue slid along his bottom lip and begged for an entrance, which Patrick allowed. It was less spontaneous and a little more planned but just as good. And Gerard was a really, _really_ good kisser.

“Okay, I have to go, I told Lindsey I’d get Bandit soon,” Gerard said when they broke apart.

“Yeah, I should go get Declan.”

“I’ll see you soon though, yeah?” Patrick nodded. If there was a God, he was praying to Him that his smile wasn’t as goofy looking as it felt.

“Absolutely.” Gerard got out of the car, and Patrick put his forehead against the steering wheel, chuckling to himself. “You idiot, look what you’ve gotten yourself into.”

 

six

 

“You made a move!” Patrick elbowed Pete in the ribs--hard. He’d made the mistake of telling him about kissing Gerard the next week when they were back in the studio for what was hopefully going to be the last day of recording. They’d been at this for longer than normal, it was time for making it sound good and stuff.

“Don’t say that so loudly.”

“Why not?” Patrick’s brain went blank for a second.

“Because--I don’t know, because I said so!”

“But this is good!”

“Eh.”

“What, did he not like it?”

“Oh no, that’s the problem, he did.” Pete looked at him funny.

“And why is that a problem?” Patrick threw his hands up.

“I don’t know that either, but it is.”

“Have to talked to him since?”

“No.”

“Okay, as your bandmate and best friend, you are a fucking idiot and this relationship isn’t gonna go anywhere if you don’t acknowledge his presence.”  
“But should it? Should it really? Like, am I gonna mess this up big time?” Pete sighed.

“If you like him and he obviously likes you, you should go for it. And you’ve been pretty meh lately and you seem to be better when you spend time with him...go for it.”

“But it’s only been a year since Elisa.”

“But it’s been a year already.”

“I don’t want to rush this and regret it. I don’t want to rush this and ruin a good friendship.”

“It’s easier to just do it and risk losing your friend than not doing it and risk losing them anyways because you can’t keep yourself together around them. Trust me on this.” Patrick rolled his eyes.

“If I ruin this, I’m blaming you.” Pete gave him a sideways smile.

“Good.”

============

**Patrick:** hey

**Gerard:** oh hey what’s up

**Patrick:** so

**Patrick:** this is awkward as shit

**Gerard:** not as awkward as you think

**Patrick:** are you doing anything thursday night?

**Gerard:** is this you asking me on a date

**Patrick:** maybe

**Patrick:** I don’t know

**Patrick:** this is me trying to figure out what was up with the kissing in my car and if it means anything

**Gerard:** no I’m not doing anything

**Gerard:** I have Bandit but otherwise nothing

**Gerard:** and the kissing means I like you, I don’t know what it means for you

**Patrick:** I guess it means I like you too

**Patrick:** do you wanna do like dinner at my house?

**Patrick:** Bandit can come too

**Gerard:** damn that’s a leap Stump

**Gerard:** I’m in

**Patrick:** yay!

**Patrick:** okay I regret sending that

**Patrick:** what time do you want to be here?

**Gerard:** I don’t know, seven?

**Patrick:** sure, see you then

**Gerard:** see you then

 

seven

 

“I had no idea you could cook,” Gerard said, leaning forward and setting his elbows on his knees to support his head with his arms. Patrick laughed.

“Use that term loosely, I can make pasta and some really simple breakfast things, but that’s about it.”

“Ah, so you order with the best of them.”

“Pretty much.” Gerard leaned back, chuckling softly. Bandit was in the other room and in sight, trying to play with Declan, but he didn’t understand a thing that was going on. “So.”

“So?”

“What is this? A flirtation?” Patrick turned around and faced Gerard, crossing his arms over his chest and leaned against the edge of the counter. Gerard bit his bottom lip and thought for a minute. He knew what he wanted it to be, but was that what it was?

“I don’t know. Whatever you want it to be I guess. I mean, I obviously like you and you obviously like me.”

“And there’s obvious want for a relationship.”

“And we’ve been talking for several months now.”

“So.”

“So.”

“I don’t think we solved anything.”

“No, we didn’t.” Patrick sighed before saying anything more.

“See, here’s my problem. I like you. I want a relationship. But I don’t know if I really want to do this so quickly.”

“Elisa?” He nodded solemnly.

“She was the love of my life. I don’t believe in only having one great love I guess, but I’m so afraid that I’m gonna do this and then I’m gonna decide it was too soon. Or decide that I was just latching myself on to someone because I’m lonely. Or decide that maybe I just don’t like you. I don’t want to ruin a perfectly good friendship.” He had a very disappointed look on his face, like feelings were his fault.

“We can take this as slow as you want to. I won’t push you to do anything, I won’t even push you to decide if this is a relationship or if it’s just a flirtation or what.” He nodded again. Bandit came in from the other room and crawled into her father’s lap. “What’s up?”

“I don’t think Declan likes me,” she said with a disappointed tone. Gerard and Patrick shared a look. Patrick went into the other room, picking up his kid from the floor.

“Oh? And why’s that?”

“He doesn’t want to play with me.”

“He’s just shy,” Patrick assured her. Bandit looked at him, then looked down at her feet, then she nodded. It was overall an adorable little process.

“Okay.”

============

“Thank you for tonight,” Gerard said, standing in Patrick’s doorway. “It was really nice.”

“Thanks for coming, really.” There was an awkward silence and space between them. Patrick tried to figure out what he was supposed to say now. Then he thought of something he’d been considering in the back of his mind all evening.“Um, about that ‘what is this’ bit…”

“Yeah?”

“I’d say that this, tonight, was a date. But I’m not sure if I’m ready for...boyfriend or whatever. But I like you, I really do.” Gerard nodded.

“Okay. Though this was not what I would’ve thought of as a first date.”

“It’s a dad date.” That made him laugh. Patrick counted that as a win.

“Um, wanna try that kissing thing again?” Patrick nodded.

“Definitely.” Gerard grabbed his arm and pulled him a little closer, pressing his mouth on Patrick’s. Patrick counted that as a win too.

 

epilogue

 

Before he even opened his eyes, Gerard could hear a familiar voice coming from the other end of the house. He smiled and sat up, rubbing at his eyes. He’d fallen asleep on the couch at five am after being in the Void. At least he’d been productive, or that’s what the sketchbook on the coffee table said. He stood up and walked towards the sound of the voice. He glanced at his phone. Was it really only eight? That didn’t make any sense. He stopped in front of the door to Declan’s room.

“You weren’t supposed to be back this early.” Patrick turned around, and upon seeing him, he smiled.

“We decided to not wait too long to go.” He walked up closer to Gerard and kissed him. “Hi.”

“Hey.” Patrick walked back to Declan’s bed and picked him up, holding him in one arm. The toddler squirmed around a little and took his father’s hat off his head, laughing.

“Silly kid, whatcha doing with that?” Patrick took it back but didn’t put it on his head.

“So I get to have you all day.”

“Mhmm. And you’re coming to the show tonight, right?”

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

============

Gerard was sitting at the edge of backstage with Marie and Meagan when the band finally emerged from their little atmosphere. When he picked his head up and saw Patrick, he stood up. Pete nudged Patrick.

“How come I didn’t know he was here?”

“Do I have to tell you everything, Peter? Am I not allowed to have a private life?”

“Hey, you chose to be friends with him, this is what you get,” Joe said. Patrick shrugged.

“True.” He walked ahead of them a little, breaking off when he got to Gerard. He slipped his hand into the other man’s. “Hi.”

“Hey, you guys were good,” Gerard replied, squeezing his hand as they walked out the door of the venue. “God, I can’t remember the last time I went to a Fall Out Boy show. 2005? 2006?” Patrick laughed.

“It was nice to have you here though.”

“Mhmm.” He bumped Gerard’s shoulder. Gerard shoved him back. He let go of Patrick’s hand, shoving his own into his pocket, most likely looking around for keys. He strayed off a little bit, but so did Patrick, who was looking up at the sky. There was a dragonfly that kept buzzing a few feet over his head in circles. It swooped down lower and kept circling around him. He thought back for a few months again to the first day in the studio with the dragonfly then.

“You approve?” The dragonfly kept buzzing around him. “Thank you, I love you.” And then, it was gone.

“Patrick, you coming or am I leaving you in the parking lot?” Patrick looked up at Gerard, who was a few feet ahead of him. He was right under a lamp post and it made Patrick stop walking. He pulled out his phone and quickly took a picture of it.

“Yeah, yeah I’m coming.” He caught up to him, taking his hand again.

“What was that all about?”

“Nothing.”

“It looked like you were trying to contact some sort of mothership.” He laughed and bumped Gerard’s shoulder again.

“My boyfriend’s such a nerd.”

“Well isn’t that the pot calli--wait, boyfriend?” Patrick smiled as he was given a very confused look.

“If you like it.”

“Of course I like it.” Gerard kissed the top of Patrick’s head. “You’re mine now, Stump.”

============

[picture of Gerard under the lamp post]

**patrickstump** You know, you’re allowed to move on. It doesn’t mean you’re forgetting, it means you’re still living.


End file.
